He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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