I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
