Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
