dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
