why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
