it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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