He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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