Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
