I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
