I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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