Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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