My balls are so social today.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
