fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize