My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
