My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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