this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
