and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
