eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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