Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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