you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
