i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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