you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
