Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
