i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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