sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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