Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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