so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
