She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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