Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
