so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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