What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
