Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
