i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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