That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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