Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
