is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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