theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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