she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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