Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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