alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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