if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Im part way to drunk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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