i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
