Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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