I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
