shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
