ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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