so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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