a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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