I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
