her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
