Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
