I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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