Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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