I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
