The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
