matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
