Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
