Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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